Christmas Poem 2009

This was my last year's "Ray Family Christmas" poem. I was asked my certain family members to blog this. One for this Christmas? Not sure yet. Sorry if this is one big family joke, but my family lends themselves as easy satirical targets.

On a night clear and cool before Christmas day,
Santa was aboard his decorated sleigh.

With Garmin on board his whole trip is planned.
He knows each house and just where to land.

He shouts as he flies, “It’s almost Christmas Day,
We’ve got to leave Tennessee, and all this hairspray.”

“Turn left now jolly man,” the Garmin lady demanded.
Soon his sleigh touched down he was unsure where he’d landed.

“This might just be the middle of nowhere,
Should I get out alone or do I dare?”

Santa glanced at the screen and what did he see,
But a tiny dot on the Garmin named “Matney”

“Oh yikes,” he screamed as he heard shots ring out.
I know this is the Reece I have no doubt.”

With his SWAT vest all buttoned he dared the clean house,
No signs of a mess, no crumbs for a mouse.

As the firing continued Santa wasn’t feeling so jolly.
For Grant he dropped a dinosaur, and for Kendall a Polly.

He grabbed his bag just in time to take one in the belly.
Thank goodness for cookies, it bounced off like jelly.

He sped away now but he didn’t get far,
Now he was headed to the old Rocking R.

He sped over Boone as the lights grew so dim,
“I’ll pass by those Liberals, I’ve got nothing for them!”

When all of a sudden the reindeer pitched such a fit,
Santa could see something, nada, not one bit!

Yes, I’ve heard of this stuff in Deep Gap below.
It is that blinding fog, now we can barely go!

As he flew over the fog he needed to stop.
At Ridgecrest on the Parkway….the very top.

He looked in the window to see the Mr. cussing the news,
And he only saw a flash of a woman in new walking shoes.

“Here,” he thought, “is the sweetest of all.”
And to his surprise she’d grown awfully tall.

I’ll leave this sweet heart a rock hard volleyball,
To throw at her coach, he liked her least of all.

As he fumbled in his bag, he found something else for this crew.
Some BenGay and Beano, all packaged and new.

He had little time left on this busy night though,
He jumped on his sleigh and hollered out “go.”

I must find this Rocking R place very soon.
He noticed as he looked up high at the moon.

As he flew into the dark, he smelled some marvelous things.
“Hey that smells like chicken and fried onion rings.”

“This is the Nana I know she’s on my list.”
He pulled on the reins with his chubby old fist.

Right as he landed he jumped out real quick,
For he feared being plowed by that little, blond chick.

As he entered the house he wanted a taste
You know fat men always hate to see food waste.

As he stuffed in his mouth there was something he knew,
This Nana had left him a Diet Mtn. Dew.

But all these yummies held quite a spice,
So he moved to the freezer to get him some ice.

Much to his surprise he was knocked off his feet,
By pop-sickles, bread, and lots of Schwan’s meat.

I’m leaving this place or my belly will sag.
Nana, here’s some new shoes. Marissa, a punching bag.

It was a short, little flight when saw a lighted up fawn,
It was placed with perfection on a manicured lawn.

Santa opened the door and was knocked down fast,
By the sounds of NASCAR blaring out with a blast.

While in the house he noticed the beautiful red head,
She was snuggled alone in her hand crafted new bed.

“She doesn’t believe, she thinks I am a fable,
For this fiery lady, I’ll leave my number on the table.”

For the gentleman of the farm he knew what tops the list,
He reached in his bag with a brunette in fist.

“Put me down,” Teresa shouted, “you fat, old man!”
“Hey, you’re what’s needed most, I do all I can.”

To the boys of the house he cleaned a Mustang of dirt,
And left on the couch a pressed pink shirt.

Out in a dash up the hill he flies,
Where a shiny black truck now blinded his eyes.

Startled at first by the squeals that he heard,
He knew for certain that they owned no bird.

He suddenly remembered this was Cleve, his old racing bud.
He’s made a Harley for him, that good-looking stud.

For Dakota he left a warm shirt with sleeves,
And hopefully he’s one for sure that believes.

Casey, that feisty, young girl had been mean,
But to her he’d leave a chocolate milk machine.

As he looked in the bed from where that he stood,
Although she was sleeping her hair looked dang good!

He knew what she’d needed for quiet a long while,
This gift he knew was sure to make her smile.

He sat out a can of “Conservative Spray”
This was sure to keep App democrats away.

He knew he had but one house to go.
He’d be in trouble if he didn’t show.

This comfy, blue house was always a mess,
But this year he knew it would sure look it’s best.

With this new little one, his time he sure took,
For his mother had warned of the child’s stiff right hook.

Santa snuck in to see Charlie snug in his bed.
He breathed in deep, and reboarded his sled.

What the old man was thinking no one could have guessed
For he knew they needed nothing, this year they’d been blessed.

So he headed up north, the pole was so far,
“Good Night and Merry Christmas to the ol’ Rocking R…..”